Outhouse Humor

Don’t Fall Asleep in the Johnny House

This morning I was out for my 20 mile run through the hills. As I was crossing one particular ridge I saw that Old Talking Tree Leaner propped up against a big Beech tree. I don’t know if he noticed me or not but I wasn’t slowing down to take the chance.

Not too long ago I was telling you about that old man who was camping in an old van down by the river ( In A Van Down By The River ). Well I had the good fortune of running into the old guy again this morning so I have some news from the hill.

So anyway, I was running along through the trees, rocks and badgers and right there in the middle of the trail was the old guy from the van. He had himself a fire built and was cooking up some coffee. He saw me coming and by the time I got to where he was he had already found a coffee cup and was reaching it to me. “Coffee?”

I looked at the cup and was completely amazed that it appeared to be clean. “Sure!” I took the coffee cup and he poured me a steamy black drink. The coffee sort of put me off guard and I ventured to ask the old guy how things were going.


Back in the good ole days when I was a kid things sure were rough. What with only 4 channels on the TV, one phone in the house, and having to do actual chores it is a wonder that we even made it through alive. Yet here I am and there were a few other survivors too.

He paused and looked at me, “How old are you boy?” I lied and told him that I was 62 (I am 33), he didn’t seem to notice or be concerned. He started giggling and then chuckling then soon he was just all out laughing hysterically. “Have you ever went to sleep in the Johnny house?”

“Johnny house?”

“You know man, the john, the outhouse, the toilet…”

I told him that no, I had never slept in the bathroom. He laughed at me and explained that a Johnny House was an outdoor toilet. A small wooden shack built over top a huge hole. Basically a long board with a seat cut out is laid over the hole and that’s where you go. If the toilet seat broke and you fell in… well no one ever wanted that to happen.

Suddenly he quit laughing and got really serious. “I think all youngins should have to grow up using an outhouse. Let them use indoor toilets when they grow up but growing up with a Johnny House is good for you! Look at how I turned out!”

He was talking now. I flipped on my mental recorder and sat back (not leaned) against a tree and listened with a hot cup of coffee.

That Johnny House Was Half A Mile Away!


It could be a major traumatic event just to get out to the bathroom and back. It was a dreaded trip when the rain was pouring down or a snow storm was on. It was especially bothersome if “mother nature” came upon you in the middle of the night when all sorts of scary boogers were out and about.

At night we would hold “it” as long as we could and pray for the daylight to come. But there were times when it just wouldn’t wait and we had to trek it out to the Johnny house in the middle of the dark night.

Every crackle in the woods, every unexplainable squeak and groan becomes louder and scarier when you are alone. This is especially true if you are 10 years old and you’re headed for the Johnny house at 3:00 in the morning.

On one such night I had been feeling really sick and had the… well, you know… I had the runs and so I had to run out to the old Johnny house. I sat out there so long I fell asleep on the seat. Sometime later that night my oldest sister woke up and had to slip out to relieve herself. She walked up to the door and she grabbed the handle, opened the door and jumped in with almost one motion (I didn’t see this but she told me later).

About that time a sleeping young boy woke up scared to death and screaming his head off with his britches down. This scared the girl really badly so she took to screaming too. There we were trying to out scream the other.

Uh Oh! Here Comes Daddy!

Dang Kids!
Dang Kids!

Suddenly we heard the front porch screen door slam. Now there’s a sound that is etched into my memory. How many times I heard that screen door slam shut. Daddy yelled out, “What in tarnation is goin’ on up there?”

That moment, when we both heard that familiar slamming of the screen door and daddy’s voice, we were brought to our senses enough to realize what was going on. “You scared me! You did it on purpose!” my sister said. I tried to explain but she would not believe that I had simply fallen asleep in the Johnny house. I am always pulling pranks and and tricks she said.

Now we could hear daddy walking through the yard, “I said what’s goin’ on up here?”

My sister turned around and told dad that the “little booger” had hid in the toilet and ambushed her in the middle of the night. “He scared me so bad that I wet myself!” I had to fight the urge to laugh when she said that, but I knew better. She told him how she was tired of my tricks and that I should be sent after a switch for what I had done. If I was her boy, she explained, “he would be getting a good switchin’ right now!”

Daddy calmed her down and when I told him what had happened, about me having the runs and me falling asleep in the Johnny house, he believed me. He told me that it was still my fault because I was always running around looking for ways to prank folks and that now they just expect it. “You best straighten up and get serious!” He said, “stop all this foolishness.” He ruffled the hair on my head and then told the both of us to get to bed.

Well maybe I will tell you more about what happened to my sister some time and perhaps even explain why she seemed to dislike me so much. Yep, she sure enough wanted me to get a good whoopin’ and she was always trying to arrange it too.

He chuckled and went to working with his fire, stirring the coals and re-positioning the wood. I knew it would be risky but I was curious so before I left him there in the woods I asked him one final question, “Have you ever met up with the ole Talking Tree Leaner?”

Oh No! Not The Old Talking Tree Leaner!

“Oh yeah! The Old Talking Tree Leaner! I have run into the old rascal a few times over the years. Fact is I saw him this morning.

“What did he say?” I felt like giggling because of the thought of those two going at it.

“What didn’t he say would be more like it! They say that if you talk to him long enough you go out of your mind and you run through the winds until finally you are so tired that you lean up against a tree for some rest… well that’s where you wind up staying aint it?”

We both had a laugh and he explained that he had only talked to the old Tree Leaner once about 30 years earlier. He said he still has bad dreams about it but with the help of his mail order study at home schooling in psychiatry he is able to function normally.

It Was Time To Run

Since I had stopped in the middle of my 20 mile run for a coffee break I felt that I should start over. So after another 20 miles of running through the forested hills like a bipedal gazelle I finally made it back to my own back yard and am even now relaxing on the back deck with my tea and crumpets.

Wait! I just saw bigfoot in the neighbors yard! Dang it was big and blurry so I know it had to be a Bigfoot! Time to call the Game Warden or Animal Control. I am tired of those coyotes, badgers and Bigfoots getting into everything! It’s time to alert the authorities.

Some of us have to go out into the world (or was that twisted imagination?) and find or just happen upon crazy folks and weirdness just so we can bring you these Too True Tales. And What a Long Strange Trip It Still Is…

Doh! I forgot to ask the old dude his name again!

What My Heart Wants To Tell
What My Heart Wants To Tell

What My Heart Wants To Tell

“God knew that it would take brave and sturdy people to survive in these beautiful but rugged hills. So He sent us His very strongest men and women.”

So begins the heartwarming story of Verna Mae and her father, Isom B. “Kitteneye” Slone, an extradordinay personal family history set in the hills around Caney Creek in Knott County, Kentucky.


This story was taken from bits and pieces of many different peoples lives both real and imagined.

Any resemblance to any one real person would be a miracle and a complete coincidence. This is fiction people ;0)

Written by D Slone, Copyright 2011

Outhouse Diving For Drunk Hillbilly Girl

“…there was a 12 year old girl who went out around midnight to go to the outhouse. A long time passed but she didn’t come back into the house.

Her parents became very worried and went out to check on her.

The outhouse door was shut so they knocked on the door, “Are ya in thar?” (Spoken as one word ‘ar-yin-thar’) There was no reply..”


General Funny

Hillbilly Kids Use To Be Able To Make Their Own Money

Making Money As A Kid Way Back When I Was One Of Them

When I was a kid we were able to earn money in many different ways. We lived out in the “boonies” and couldn’t get a “real” job but we did find ways to get cash if we weren’t too lazy.

Here is what some of my friends and I did to get our spending money.

We all saved pop bottles and copper. Boys would strip copper wires out of any old appliance that was thrown out. There were places and ways to get copper from time to time and we hoarded it like it was gold. A guy’s copper collection could even be used to “trade on”.

16 Ounce ReturnablesThe deposit on a 16 ounce returnable glass bottle was ten cents. Folks still tossed them out of car windows and left them laying around. When folks went fishing or camping or something like that they never seemed to want to carry their trash back out with them. That included their returnable pop bottles, just left behind. It didn’t take long to collect up a few dollars worth of pop bottles. There were times when you carried a pop bottle you had found for hours before you finally got home with it. You wouldn’t consider throwing it back down though. In fact you would be glad to feel its weight and think about that big dime added to your pile.

scrap copperThe first I can remember about copper was when it was around 30 cents per pound. It took quite a pile of copper wiring to add up to very much in the way of cash. But it was generally free other than the time we spent working at it. I remember walking alongside the road and finding a heavy gauge copper battery terminal someone had just tossed or lost. To a ten year old boy it was like a piece of treasure. I added it to my pile and spent the money in my imagination over and over.

How long could you save? How long could you wait? That was the game. The longer you waited to cash in your bottles or sell your copper the more money you would get. But the longer you waited the less you could stand the waiting. Somewhere along the line you would always cash in your treasure.

Most of us would need to find someone who would give a kid a ride into town. Several cartons of returnable glass bottles was heavy and difficult to carry on foot. A bucket full of old copper wire was impossible to carry!

The first thing to do now was to get a banana flip and a carton of chocolate milk. Next you would sit down and count the money you have left and start making your plans. So much to buy, but you don’t want to spend it because you don’t want to be broke again. These days it seems that when a kid has money it “burns a hole in their pocket” and they have to spend it as soon as they can. I don’t recall it being that way for us. We were hesitant to spend our money and if we came back from the store and still had money left it was a good thing.

peacockf eatherWe had peacocks for a few years. I would gather up peacock feathers and take them to school and sell them for 25 cents each. This was in the early 1970s. I also ordered coins and stamps from comic book ads and sold and traded on them at school.

There were others ways that we made money too. When I was 10 years old I was going door to door and asking people if they needed any odd jobs done. I mowed a lot of grass, changed light bulbs, crawled up under houses and a lot more. Most summers I would have a few certain yards promised to me to cut for the season. Every week I would mow the same lawns. So often I would be paid not only with a few dollars but I would also be brought out sandwiches, candy bars and even an ice cold pop!

I once found some Playboy magazines and I pulled out the centerfolds and, you may have guessed it, took them to school and sold them! Yep.

I even had a small stint selling Grit! Yep, rode around on a bicycle tossing papers and knocking on doors trying to get folks to pay up. Grit was just a little newspaper thing back then. It’s a big glossy magazine nowadays.

Mowing lawns and doing odd jobs along with collecting pop bottles and copper and maybe selling a few things here and there kept me up in money to buy BBs, shotgun shells, comic books, and even a 5 cent cigar from time to time.

A fella’ might even be tempted to order from them comic book ads. There were all sorts of amazing and interesting gizmos you could buy right there from the pages of your very own comic book!

I had my eye on those x-ray glasses and that 6 foot submarine for so long, but I just couldn’t part with the money to order them.

Who remembers the Sea Monkeys? Well, when I saw them I just couldn’t live without them! I had to send in my hard earned money for those amazing creatures with ribbons in their hair and smiles on their faces. Why, there was even a promise of potential nudity!

X-ray Specs Y'all!
X-ray Specs Y’all!

Well, if those X ray specs were anything like those sea monkeys then more likely than not I just never would be able to see through that ladies skirt anyway. Might be better that I saved my money and bought instead things like 5 cent cigars, BBs and shotgun shells. I imagine I would have just gotten into too much trouble if the X ray Specs did work so it was probably just a no win deal. I tell ya what though.

Lately I have been thinking about going down and getting one of those new comic books and checking to see what amazing devices can be ordered now. Perhaps I can read her mind while I am looking through her skirt?!

There’s gotta be a song in there somewhere and if you can find you can have it for a dollar.

Written by a dern fooll

General Funny

At Our Place We Had Animals

At our place we had animals, and having animals meant work. Seems to me that animals were always needing something. My dad would send me to feed and water. There was always a fence that needed repairing or some thing or other.

I had to go to the barn and climb up into the loft and wrestle down a bit of the hay separating the bats and tossing them down so that the horses and cows could get to it. When I did this I just naturally tended to be very careful because of a bad experience I had already had not too long before. You see just below where I had to cross some beams without flooring, in order to drop the hay down in the right spot, there was the big brown mushy swamp of cow pies. I slipped out of the loft while trying to tote too much hay one time. I reckon a person falls faster than hay because I wound up buried up in wet cow patties and sprinkled with hay. I’m sure that dad wasn’t happy about all that hay getting muddy. Luckily he was too busy laughing at the kid covered in cow pies to get mad about the hay.

Farm animalsAfter the hay was put down it was off to the well to draw up water. The well was just up the path a ways and still in the pasture. There was a long narrow cylindrical bucket on a chain and a simple, uncovered well about 8 inches or so in diameter. Man, that chain got cold in the winter! Next to the well there was an old claw foot bathtub. I dumped bucket after bucket of water in that tub for the horses, ponies and cows – as well as raccoons, opossums and others I am sure.

There was a few times when I had to go do the hay and water before going to school. I would be way up there on the hillside pasture drawing that water bucket and it would still be dark out! It was a really spooky place to be at that time of the morning and I often saw, or at least heard, terrible creatures hanging out just inside the tree line.

When I was done with the water and was walking back toward the house I could sometimes feel those creatures breathing on my neck. I picked up the pace as I went along, knowing that I would be lucky if I barely made it back down to where the lights and people were. Many was the time that I would arrive out of breath and feeling like my hair was standing on end. I had heard the stories. There were strange things in those hills. I was sure of it.

baby farm animalsWe had chickens, geese, ducks, guineas, pigeons and even a pair of peacocks. You are talking about a lot of feed there! We had a few pigs too. I would scoop out four big scoops of the pig feed, which looked like pellets, into a 5 gallon bucket. Then I would fill the measuring jug up twice with water and pour that onto the feed. You stir that up real good and by the time you carry it up the hill to the pig lot your arm is about to fall off and the slop is nice and mushy. Those pigs also loved corn and I toted many a bucket filled with corn up that hill too. I once saw a hog eating on a chunk of coal. The thing acted like it was good!

Speakin’ of hogs, I remember when I killed my first one. I was about 12 I reckon. My dad handed me the .22 rifle and told me it was my turn. At the time I felt so proud and like one of the men. I shot the hog between the eyes from about 6 inches away. I was looking right at his eyes when I done it and after the bang it was looking right into mine. It was dead. Its head smashed in the slop bucket and its eyes were open and looking right at me. I felt so sorry for that pig. When mom brought up the fried cracklin’s I was thankful for that hog. Not much better than fresh fried pork skins… and fried in lard to boot!

After all of that was done it was time to head out to meet the school bus. It was a bit of a walk down to the wooden bridge at the mouth of the hollow (“holler”) but at least it was mostly down hill.

Guest writer Lloyd B.